movement

I know exactly – exactly – what I need to do in order to achieve what I want to achieve, and to make my life look the way I want it to look. This is not a new phenomenon. I have never had any difficulty in planning, conceptualizing, or visualizing what I want from life. My problem, as always, is in actually executing said plans. Just yesterday I realized that I was living in the same manner as I have when I was waiting for some given set of circumstances to arrive, but that at the moment, there isn't anything that I'm waiting for. So, in essence, I'm just kind of... paused. That's not a place that I want to be. I'm cognizant of the fact that I feel an unhealthy level of comfort in chaos; in its familiarity, and in the way that it alleviates me from having to actually deal with a lot of my work. But even objectively, I really believe that chaos in the pursuit of a goal is far more admirable than stagnation. Especially when it's not even a comfortable situation. Being sessile is understandable, and perhaps even appropriate in many situations; I'm not one to buy into the puritanical work-ethic and fear of uselessness inherent to American culture. I think that leading a contemplative life should be judged on its own merit – if it's a fulfilling existence for the individual in question, then so be it; maybe he'll write the next Walden.

But I also know that I'm not there yet – not by a long shot. The one thing which I can really claim as progress in terms of my broader lifetime goals is that I've managed to refine them pretty effectively. I know now, more adroitly then ever before, just what it is that I'm missing. That's really not much of an accolade. There are at least a dozen things that would make my goals more tenable; stable employment would allow me to budget and plan things much more effectively; it would also afford me health insurance, which would not only allow me to have my inguinal surgery, but would probably let me continue seeing a counselor; increased experience in my field (whatever that may be) would make future employment more accessible, which would mean that I could more seriously pursue my educational goals.

Wow, looking over that last paragraph, it seems like the key to a lot of this shit is to get a decent job. That really shouldn't shock me, but I suppose I had assumed that a list of ways to circumvent the obstacles to my happiness would be more varied than “get a fuckin' job”.

 

Maybe I should work on getting a fuckin' job.