I can't see a thing through my ambitions

There's nothing stopping me because there's nothing left

My inner child is a cute little dead girl

Originally uploaded by morganmcalister

There are few things that just automatically make me feel better.

Happily, there's Lenore.

Depression

I'm so FUCKING tired of dealing with this constant force pushing me down.  I can rally, I can think positively, I can take advantage of proffered assistance, of medications, of friends and family and deeply held philosophical beliefs; but
IT
IS
CONSTANT.

It never stops pushing, it never stops grinding; it never, ever stops.  I'm stumbling through my life with a inky black planet upon my back, like Atlas carrying Hell upon his shoulders.  It sullies everything I say and do, every happiness and joy I have, every friendship and every love I find.  It drips molten tar on my naked skin, making my wounds so filthy and sticky that even the people who love me the most can't stand to touch me.  I don't blame them at all.

I'm so tired.  I'm so tired of the bruises and the burns, of all of the hurts that never heal.  I'm tired of the constant struggle against a foe that has never once flagged in almost two decades of battle.  I just want to rest, but resting from this battle is a permanent condition, and I'm not ready for that; though it has its appeal.

There isn't even a goal towards which I can work.  The fuzzy idea of a life without this fight is and idea too abstract for me to grasp, much less work towards.  At least Sisyphus could see his objective, and knew what would end his torment.

So I wait.  I pretend I have hope.  I pretend I'm making progress towards some undefined "wellness".  I do whatever I can to keep breathing.

Maybe something will happen.

movement

I know exactly – exactly – what I need to do in order to achieve what I want to achieve, and to make my life look the way I want it to look. This is not a new phenomenon. I have never had any difficulty in planning, conceptualizing, or visualizing what I want from life. My problem, as always, is in actually executing said plans. Just yesterday I realized that I was living in the same manner as I have when I was waiting for some given set of circumstances to arrive, but that at the moment, there isn't anything that I'm waiting for. So, in essence, I'm just kind of... paused. That's not a place that I want to be. I'm cognizant of the fact that I feel an unhealthy level of comfort in chaos; in its familiarity, and in the way that it alleviates me from having to actually deal with a lot of my work. But even objectively, I really believe that chaos in the pursuit of a goal is far more admirable than stagnation. Especially when it's not even a comfortable situation. Being sessile is understandable, and perhaps even appropriate in many situations; I'm not one to buy into the puritanical work-ethic and fear of uselessness inherent to American culture. I think that leading a contemplative life should be judged on its own merit – if it's a fulfilling existence for the individual in question, then so be it; maybe he'll write the next Walden.

But I also know that I'm not there yet – not by a long shot. The one thing which I can really claim as progress in terms of my broader lifetime goals is that I've managed to refine them pretty effectively. I know now, more adroitly then ever before, just what it is that I'm missing. That's really not much of an accolade. There are at least a dozen things that would make my goals more tenable; stable employment would allow me to budget and plan things much more effectively; it would also afford me health insurance, which would not only allow me to have my inguinal surgery, but would probably let me continue seeing a counselor; increased experience in my field (whatever that may be) would make future employment more accessible, which would mean that I could more seriously pursue my educational goals.

Wow, looking over that last paragraph, it seems like the key to a lot of this shit is to get a decent job. That really shouldn't shock me, but I suppose I had assumed that a list of ways to circumvent the obstacles to my happiness would be more varied than “get a fuckin' job”.

 

Maybe I should work on getting a fuckin' job.

Aphorisms

My mom sent me an email this morning that had a nice, well written little essay by a man reflecting on his father's perspectives on life, and on his parents' relationship, etc.  It was fine, and it wasn't overloaded with trite affirmations and treacle sweet platitudes like most "positive message" emails are.  There was a bit of a cute story about how after reading that old drivers most often get into accidents while turning left, that his parents decided to only take rights from then on; three rights being the safe version of a left.

"You're kidding!"  I said, and I turned to my mother for support "No,"
she said, "your father is right.  We make three rights.  It works."  But
then she added: "Except when your father loses count."

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started
laughing.

"Loses count?"  I asked.

"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens.  But it's not a
problem.  You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

I couldn't resist.  "Do you ever go for 11?"  I asked.

"No," he said "If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a
bad day.  Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off
another day or another week."

Yes, all very cute.  It occurred to me, though, that the problem with pithy wisdom is that it only works in a bubble.  I truly believe in the truth of the above admonition against thinking of everything as being earth-shatteringly important.  I also believe that the whole "seize the day", "stop and smell the roses" and "take life as it comes" things are true, but as a set they're mutually exclusive.

At the end of the day, it seems like choosing which platitude to follow in any given situation is, unfortunately, pretty much the same as making the decision in the first place.

So I guess what I mean is: "Always take the time you need to choose the aphorism that's right for you"